Hello my freaky darlings!
I know! so many journal entries in as many months!
If only my arting went on so smoothly. Honestly, I've tried several times to sit down and draw, only to have something block me.
Since my last journal, very little has improved in the familial sense. As I have stuck to my guns, and not capitulated to parental tyranny, I have basically made a pariah of myself. Suddenly I am treated with gingerly chosen words, and everywhere the surface is made of glass, only to have it burst forth suddenly, painfully, with shards that drive themselves into my heart.
And that's what you can expect when your parent does not get their way after you've become an adult. Well, what you can expect when you have a parent who has grown used to being the leader of the clan for so long that when you remove control of yourself (and just yourself) and discontinue heeding advice that has long since ceased to have relevance upon you and your world.
I got that bursting glass again this morning. I knew it was coming. And its a horrible feeling walking on that glass surface, waiting for the cool smooth surface to suddenly grow hot and piercing.
So this is where the title of the journal comes in. Your parents CANNOT tell you anything other than what they know. They have been in a pattern of control for so long, that when you do finally break it, they will retaliate and react in ways to try and make you knuckle-under and continue acting like you're a child. Its so hard, but you MUST be ice and steel. Its hard. So very hard. It hurts when your parent tells you that you are not a good parent because you ignore advice, or when you choose to act a way that you do in your own life. It hurts when your parent tells you that you are like your other parent, someone they hate, and that you're acting childish and willful just like they are.
But you must must MUST be ice and steel. Its the only way. Especially when your parent says "Why are you crying? I just wanted a logical discussion over this situation. See? You're blowing it out of proportion just like you always do." Yes, because the hurt finally made you crack, and they went after it like sharks after blood in the water. So then you compose yourself, become ice and steel once more and then ask for logical, rational examples of when you had become this horrible, temper-tantrum throwing monster they speak of. And the satisfaction is a balm, when they fluster and rage, claiming they do not remember such instances! How convenient.
....and I am getting bitter in my venting. Its hard not to.
So if you take away anything from this, blossoms: don't live near your family. Life is too short, too long, whatever, to restrict yourself so cruelly. I did it out of an immature sense of obligation. That I must be there nearby to care for my parents when they grow old. And even so noble a thought, it is becoming a weight that the shoulders strain to bear, and they haven't even reached their dotage yet. I also felt it a boon for my children to live near their progenitors in order to reap the benefits of wisdom and love. I still believe this is a valid opportunity, but its becoming harder to censor myself regarding my feelings.
Which brings me to another point: Never let anyone tell you that you must change your feelings. It is not a requirement to be accepted. Expressing your feelings appropriately in a given situation is one thing, but may they live forever inside you unfettered. (Of course, this I do not apply to cruel, vicious and perverse notions that criminally minded people harbor.) I do not say that you should hang on to bitterness and past injustices, however I seem to agree with that above. Certainly, lose your past bitterness if at all possible. Learn from it and try not to let it keep a foothold in your life.
In clarifying, I say that your feelings are valid. Your experiences and your own life's choices provide a shape and color to the way you are inside and no one else will have the like. I should hope you gravitate towards other like-minded people, but unfortunately, you cannot choose your blood. You can only choose how you react to it and live with it. Your feelings help make that choice, shape it and forge it.
Don't let anyone tell you to change it. Especially when they say that what you feel is not what mature, growing human beings feel. How the hell would they know? A mature, growing human being knows that the self is a constantly changing entity, and that to pin down one way of being upon it is akin to freezing a blossom in a block of ice and expecting it to remain that way forever, when in fact the ice will eventually melt and the blossom destroyed.
A laugh. "Be ice and steel" i have said. And yet I say also you cannot freeze the soul.
So instead, I amend, be thus: ice and steel upon the outer, and warm and ever blossoming inwardly.
:sigh: I do go on, don't I, blossoms?
I don't ask forgiveness, though. If you read this far, you're either befuddled with me, bemused, or blighted, or inspired, or sympathetic. Who can say?
If you have read along with my steam release, then I thank you, kindly so.
Love to you all blossoms